DOG JOKES   1ST MAN----MY DOGS GOT NO NOSE 2ND MAN----HOW DOES HE SMELL? 1ST MAN----AWFUL WHICH TYPE OF DOG HAS NO TAIL A HOTDOG HOW DO YOU STOP A DOG FROM DIGGING UP THE GARDEN? HIDE THE SPADE. A MAN WENT INTO A PET SHOP AND ASKED THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER "DO YOU HAVE ANY PUPPIES GOING CHEAP?" "NO" SAID THE LADY "THEY ALL GO WOOF". WHAT TYPE OF DOGS GO INTO THE CORNER EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS? A BOXER. WHAT KIND OF DOGS HIDE FROM A FRYING PAN? WIENER DOGS. WHAT KIND OF DOG GOES WELL WITH CARROTS? A COLLIE DOG. WHAT KIND OF DOG WETS THE FLOOR? A POODLE. A MAN COMES OUT OF A FISH AND CHIPS SHOP, STANDS ON THE PAVEMENT AND STARTS EATING HIS FISH AND CHIPS. THEN A LADY WITH A DOG COMES WALKING PAST. THE DOG STARTS YAP YAP YAPING AWAY. THE MAN ASKS IF HE CAN THROW HIM A BIT. "CERTAINLY" SAID THE LADY. SO THE MAN PICKED HIM UP AND THREW HIM OVER THE WALL. WHAT DO FOX HOUNDS LIKE FOR THEIR LUNCH? FOX TAIL SOUP. "KNOCK, KNOCK" "WHO'S THERE?" THE IMPATIENT DOG! THE IMPATIENT... WOOF "KNOCK, KNOCK" "WHO'S THERE?" DOGS! DOGS WHO? NO THEY DON'T, OWLS DO! TWO BOYS WERE SITTING ON A FENCE WHEN A FIRE TRUCK WITH A DALMATION ON IT WENT BY. THE FIRST BOY THEN ASKED THE SECOND BOY IF DALMATIONS WERE USED TO KEEP THE CROWD BACK. THE SECOND BOY REPLIED AND SAID, "NO, THEY USE THEM TO FIND THE FIRE HYDRANT. A MAN WAS LEAVING A BUTCHER SHOP WHEN HE SAW A DOG AT THE COUNTER WITH A PURSE AROUND HIS NECK. THE MAN STAYED TO SEE WHAT THE DOG DID. THE BUTCHER ASKED THE DOG WHAT HE WANTED. THE DOG PUT HIS PAW BY THE CORNED BEEF. WHEN THE BUTCHER ASKED THE DOG HOW MANY POUNDS HE WANTED, THE DOG BARKED TWICE, SO THE BUTCHER WRAPPED UP 2 POUNDS OF CORNED BEEF. THE BUTCHER ASKED THE DOG IF THAT WAS ALL AND THE DOG PUT HIS PAW BY THE PORKCHOPS. THE BUTCHER AGAIN ASKED THE DOG HOW MANY POUNDS HE WANTED & THE DOG BARKED 4 TIMES. THEN THE DOG WENT BEHIND THE COUNTER SO THE BUTCHER COULD TAKE THE MONEY AND PUT THE MEAT AROUND THE DOG'S NECK. THE DOG THEN LEFT THE MARKET AND THE MAN WHO SAW THE DOG PURCHASE THE MEAT FOLLOWED THE DOG. WHEN THEY REACHED A HOUSE THE DOG SCRATCHED THE DOOR TO BE LET IN. WHEN THE OWNER CAME TO THE DOOR THE MAN WHO FOLLOWED THE DOG SAID, "THAT'S A PRETTY SMART DOG YOU HAVE." THE OWNER REPLIED, "NOT REALLY, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME THIS WEEK HE FORGOT HIS KEY!" A WEALTHY MAN DECIDED TO GO ON A SAFARI IN AFRICA. HE TOOK HIS FAITHFUL PET DOG ALONG FOR COMPANY. ONE DAY THE DOG STARTS CHASING BUTTERFLIES AND BEFORE LONG HE DISCOVERS THAT HE IS LOST. SO, WANDERING ABOUT HE NOTICES A LEOPARD HEADING RAPIDLY IN HIS DIRECTION WITH THE OBVIOUS INTENTION OF HAVING LUNCH. THE DOG THINKS, "BOY, I'M IN DEEP TROUBLE NOW." (HE WAS AN BLACK LABRADOR).... THEN HE NOTICED SOME BONES ON THE GROUND CLOSE BY, AND IMMEDIATELY SETTLES DOWN TO CHEW ON THE BONES WITH HIS BACK TO THE APPROACHING CAT. JUST AS THE LEOPARD IS ABOUT TO LEAP, THE DOG EXCLAIMS LOUDLY, "MAN, THAT WAS ONE DELICIOUS LEOPARD. I WONDER IF THERE ARE ANY MORE AROUND HERE?" HEARING THIS THE LEOPARD HALTS HIS ATTACK IN MID STRIDE, AS A LOOK OF TERROR COMES OVER HIM, AND SLINKS AWAY INTO THE TREES. "WHEW", SAYS THE LEOPARD. "THAT WAS CLOSE. THAT DOG NEARLY HAD ME." MEANWHILE, A MONKEY WHO HAD BEEN WATCHING THE WHOLE SCENE FROM A NEARBY TREE, FIGURES HE CAN PUT THIS KNOWLEDGE TO GOOD USE AND TRADE IT FOR PROTECTION FROM THE LEOPARD. SO, OFF HE GOES. BUT THE DOG SAW HIM HEADING AFTER THE LEOPARD WITH GREAT SPEED, AND FIGURED THAT SOMETHING MUST BE UP. THE MONKEY SOON CATCHES UP WITH THE LEOPARD, SPILLS THE BEANS AND STRIKES A DEAL FOR HIMSELF WITH THE LEOPARD. THE CAT IS FURIOUS AT BEING MADE A FOOL OF AND SAYS, "HERE MONKEY, HOP ON MY BACK AND SEE WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THAT CONNIVING CANINE." NOW THE DOG SEES THE LEOPARD COMING WITH THE MONKEY ON HIS BACK, AND THINKS, "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?" BUT INSTEAD OF RUNNING, THE DOG SITS DOWN WITH HIS BACK TO HIS ATTACKERS PRETENDING HE HASN'T SEEN THEM YET. AND JUST WHEN THEY GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO HEAR, THE DOG SAYS, "WHERE'S THAT MONKEY. I JUST CAN NEVER TRUST HIM. I SENT HIM OFF HALF AN HOUR AGO TO BRING ME ANOTHER LEOPARD, AND HE'S STILL NOT BACK!!" DEAR CAT OWNER,        FOLLOWING ARE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BEST       WAY TO BATHE YOUR CAT: 1. THOROUGHLY CLEAN THE TOILET. 2. ADD THE REQUIRED AMOUNT OF SHAMPOO TO THE TOILET WATER, AND HAVE BOTH LIDS LIFTED. 3. OBTAIN THE CAT AND SOOTHE HIM WHILE YOU CARRY HIM TOWARDS THE BATHROOM. 4. IN ONE SMOOTH MOVEMENT, PUT THE CAT IN THE TOILET AND CLOSE BOTH LIDS (YOU MAY NEED TO STAND ON THE LID SO THAT HE CANNOT ESCAPE). CAUTION: DON'T GET ANY PART OF YOUR BODY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE, AS HIS PAWS WILL BE REACHING OUT TO GRAB ANYTHING THEY CAN FIND. THE CAT WILL SELF-AGITATE AND MAKE AMPLE SUDS. NEVER MIND THE NOISES THAT COME FROM YOUR TOILET, THE CAT IS ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS. 5. FLUSH THE TOILET 3 OR 4 TIMES. THIS PROVIDES A "POWERWASH AND RINSE" WHICH I HAVE FOUND TO BE QUITE EFFECTIVE. 6. HAVE SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR TO THE OUTSIDE AND ENSURE THAT THERE ARE NO PEOPLE BETWEEN THE TOILET AND THE OUTSIDE DOOR. 7. STAND BEHIND THE TOILET AS FAR AS YOU CAN, AND QUICKLY LIFT BOTH LIDS. 8. THE NOW-CLEAN CAT WILL ROCKET OUT OF THE TOILET AND RUN OUTSIDE WHERE HE WILL DRY HIMSELF. SINCERELY, THE DOG