What is enabling?
Enabling is doing for others what they are capable of doing for
themselves. When we enable addicts, we prevent them from experiencing
the consequences of their own actions. When we do this, we discourage
them from learning from their own mistakes which, in turn, prevents them
from realizing they have a problem.
The addict has made drugs their whole life. The normal, natural things
every person needs to learn have been put aside. When we continue to
reach in and do even the simple things for people we love, how will they
learn to do for themselves?
How do we enable?
We enable addicts by doing things such as:
* Paying their bills, making car payments, covering bounced checks,
paying bail, paying traffic tickets;
* Making excuses for their behavior, changing appointments, calling
employers on absenteeism, writing late or absentee excuses to schools,
covering up for missed family functions;
* Providing the addict with money, clothing, housing and food;
* Caring for the addict's family by allowing them to live with us,
taking their children to school, babysitting, etc.
What does enabling do for us?
Enabling gives us a false sense of control. We do what society tells us
a "good" father, mother, husband, wife, son, daughter or friend should
do, but we are not getting the results we desire. We feel frustrated and
resentful. Because the addict's behavior does not change, we think we
have failed.
Our actions, done with the best of intentions, have back-fired.
Can you enable an addict (or anyone) who is not using?
We can enable anyone, using or not. Our enabling behavior patterns are
not directed solely toward the addict and/or the addict's sobriety.
Enabling deprives anyone of experiencing the consequences of their own
behavior.
Remember, when taking responsibility for our own behavior each one of us
must find our own path. Experience teaches us that it is useless to lay
out a path for someone else to follow. We must each make our own way to
our goal.
When we enable, we put other people's needs before our own.
