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RELAPSE WARNING SIGNS FOR CO-ADDICTION
From the observation of counselors who have worked with recovering family members, relapse warning signs for the co-addicted significant other have emerged. The following list has been compiled from these observations.
1. Situational Loss of Daily Structure. The family member’s daily routine is interrupted by a temporary situation such as illness, the children’s schedule, the holidays, vacation, etc. After the event or illness, the significant other does not return to all of the activities of his or her recovery program.
2. Lack of Personal Care. The significant other becomes careless about personal appearance and may stop doing and enjoying small things that are “just for own personal enjoyment.” The person returns to taking care of others first and self second or third.
3. Inability to Effectively Set and Maintain Limits. The significant other begins to experience behavioral problems with the children or roommates. Limits that are being set tend to be too lenient or too rigid and result in more discipline problems.
4. Loss of Constructive Planning. The significant other begins to feel confused and overwhelmed by personal responsibilities. Instead of deciding what is most important and doing that, he or she begins to react by doing the first thing that presents itself, while more important jobs go undone.
5. Indecision. The significant other becomes more and more unable to make decisions related to daily life.
6. Compulsive Behavior. The significant other experiences episodes during which he or she feels driven to do more. Whatever has already been done does not seem to be enough.
7. Fatigue or Lack of Rest. He or she becomes unable to sleep the number of hours necessary to feel rested. When sleep does occur, it is fitful.
8. Return of Unreasonable Resentments. The significant other finds himself or herself mentally reviewing persons or events that have hurt, angered, or been generally upsetting. As these are reviewed, the significant other relives the old emotions and feels resentments about them.
9. Return of the Tendency to Control People, Situations, and Things. As the co-addicted significant other feels less control over life, he or she begins openly to try to control and manipulate other people or situations. The addicted person may be the prime target, but does not necessarily have to be.
10. Defensiveness. The co-addicted person may not totally approve of some of his or her own actions, but when challenged about them will openly justify the actions in a sharp or angry way.
11. Self-Pity. The co-addict begins to dwell on problems from the present or the past and in turn begins to magnify them. The significant other person may ask, “Why does everything always happen to me?”
12. Overspending/Worrying about Money. The significant other may be very concerned about the family finances, yet impulsively spends money in order to “feel better.” He or she becomes convinced that what was purchased was deserved, but ends up feeling guilty and even more trapped.
13. Eating Disorder. The significant other “loses” his or her appetite to the point that even favorite foods are not appealing. Or the significant other may begin to overeat, regardless of appetite, in order to feel better. The overeating satisfies for only a very short time, or not at all.
14. Scapegoating. There is an increasing tendency to place the blame on other people, places, and things. The co-addict looks outside of self for the reasons why he or she is feeling bad.
15. Return of Fear and General Anxiety. The significant other begins to experience periods of time when he or she is nervous. Situations that previously did not cause fear or anxiety are now causing those emotions. The significant other may not even know the source of the nervousness.
16. Loss of Belief in a Higher Power. The significant other begins to lose belief in a higher power, whatever it may be. There is a tendency to rely more on self-alone, or to turn to the addict for strength and the solutions.
17. Attendance at Al-Anon Becomes Sporadic. The significant other changes the pattern of Al-Anon meeting attendance. He or she may go to fewer meetings, thinking there isn’t time, the meetings aren’t helping, or are not needed.
18. Mind Racing. The significant other feels as though he or she is on a treadmill that is going too fast. In spite of attempts to slow down, the mind continues to race with the many things that are undone or the problems that are unsolved.
19. Inability to Construct a Logical Chain of Thought. The significant other tries to solve problems and gets stuck on something that would normally be simple. It seems that his or her mind does not work anymore, that it is impossible to figure out the world. As a result, he or she feels powerless and frustrated with life.
20. Confusion. The significant other knows they are feeling out-of-sorts, but don’t know what is actually wrong.
21. Sleep Disturbance. Sleeplessness or fitful nights become more regular. The more the person tries to sleep, the less he or she is able to. Sleep may come, but it is not restful. The significant other looks tired in the morning instead of rested.
22. Artificial Emotion. The co-addict significant other begins to exhibit feelings without a conscious knowledge of why. He or she may become emotional for no reason at all.
23. Behavioral Loss of Control. The co-addict begins to lose control of his or her temper especially around the addict and/or the children or roommates. Loss of behavioral control is exhibited in such ways as over-punishing the children, hitting and yelling at the addict, or throwing things and tantrums.
24. Uncontrollable Mood Swings. Changes in the co-addict’s moods happen without any warning. The shifts are dramatic. He or she no longer feels somewhat down or somewhat happy, but instead goes from feeling extremely happy to extremely low.
25. Failure to Maintain Interpersonal (Informal) Support Systems. The co-addict stops reaching out to friends and family. This may happen very gradually. He or she turns down invitations for coffee, misses’ family gatherings, and no longer makes or returns phone calls.
26. Feelings of Loneliness and Isolation. The co-addict begins to spend more time alone. He or she usually rationalizes this behavior – too busy, the children, school, job, etc. Instead of dealing with the loneliness, the co-addict becomes more compulsive and impulsive. The isolation may be justified by convincing him or herself that no one understands or really cares.
27. Tunnel Vision. No matter what the issue or situation might be, the co-addict focuses in on his or her opinion or decision and is unable to see other points of view. He or she may become close-minded.
28. Return of Periods of Free Floating Anxiety and/or Panic Attacks. The co-addict may begin to re-experience, or experience for the first time, s of anxiety that seem to occur for no specific reason. He or she may feel afraid and not know why. These uncontrollable feelings may snowball to the point that he or she is living in fear of fear.
29. Health Problems. Physical problems begin to occur such as headaches, migraines, stomach aches, chest pains, rashes, or allergies.
30. Use of Medication or Alcohol as a Means to Cope. Desperate to gain some kind of relief from the physical and/or emotional pain, the co-addict may begin to drink, use drugs, or take prescription medications. The alcohol or drug use provides temporary relief from the growing problems.
31. Total Abandonment of Support Meetings and Therapy Sessions. Due to a variety of reasons (belief that he or she no longer needs the meetings, immobilizing fear, resentment, etc.), the co-addict completely stops going to support meetings or to therapy or both.
32. Inability to change self-defeating behaviors. While there is recognition by the co-addict that what is being done is not good for himself or herself, there is still the compulsion to continue the behavior in spite of that knowledge.
33. Development of an “I Don’t Care” Attitude. It is easier to believe that “I don’t care” than it is to believe that “I am out of control.” In order to defend self-esteem, the co-addict rationalizes, “I don’t care.” As a result, a shift in value system occurs. Things that were once important now seem to be ignored.
34. Complete Loss of Daily Structure. The co-addict loses the belief that an orderly life is possible. He or she begins missing (forgetting) appointments or meetings, is unable to have scheduled meals, to go to bed or get up on time. The co-addict is unable to perform simple acts of daily function.
35. Despair and Suicidal Ideation. The co-addict begins to believe that the situation is hopeless. He or she feels that options are reduced to two or three choices: going insane, committing suicide, or numbing out with medication, and/or alcohol, drugs or maladaptive, perhaps compulsive behavior.
36. Major Physical Collapse. The physical symptoms become so severe that medical attention is required. These can be any of a number of symptoms that become so severe that they render the co-addict dysfunctional (e.g., an ulcer, migraines, heart pains, or heart palpitations).
37. Major Emotional Collapse. Having seemingly tried everything to cope, the co-addict can conceive no way to deal with his or her unmanageable life. At this point the co-addict may be so depressed, hostile, or anxious that he or she is completely out of control.
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