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9. Manipulation 101
Question = "What are you doing Friday night?" Answer = "Not much, I haven't made any plans yet" (you just got zinged - that's what he was hoping you'd say)
Now try...
Question = "What are you doing Friday night?" Answer = "What did you have in mind?"
(you successfully blocked by questioning the question and punted the ball right back in his court). We learn these tactics after we've taken the bait a few times.
Strategy #9. The manipulator is wanting something here so don't hesitate to just say "No" -- with absolutely no explanations. If pressed for an explanation, simply say: "That's my decision." or, "I'll have to think about that." or, "If you're not happy with my decision you know where the door is." Remember, you have the right to change your mind and say No, even if you've already taken the bait and said yes -- we may not see some manipulative until we've been trapped. Change your mind -- they'll be less likely to target you in future.
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10. The Conman's High-Pressure
Tactic deliberately creates a 'right now' "We need to.." "If we don't act now we'll lose out" "I know a guy..." urgency, immediate gratification, last-minute panic they need us for. Fast talking, gesticulating, panicky masters of presuppositions.
Using "we" and stating some 'snooze you lose' is their game. One of the oldest tricks in the book. The masters of "I smell gas and I can take care of this for us, but I'll need you need to give me $$$ so I can get this fixed for you."
Strategy #10 Run a self diagnostic on your naive meter. Giving money to these guys is like asking a dog to guard your dinner. Say "No", call their bluff and let them fix their own problems. Simply say: "My money is tied up so I'm giving this a miss." We need to be aware of their tactic of getting us to say yes and agree to 3 or 4 things, preconditioning us, all the while circling towards their hidden-agenda objective.
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11. The Freudian "Schlep"
The personality-disordered abuser is incredibly gifted at psychologically knowing his target. He will assess your most basic personality - often this is not even known to us and he will know you better than you know yourself, and use it to his advantage.
For example, if the abuser asks you "How's the weather today," you will answer in one of three ways. If you're a visual person, you will probably say "Looks like it's going to rain." If you're an aural person, you might say "I heard that's it going to be a scorcher." But if you're a kinesthetic person, then "It feels pretty cold" will probably be your answer. Now, the verbal abuser will assess your personality. Such as for the visual target "I see," "I get the picture," "show me," "focus on," "beautiful," "brilliant," "seeing is believing," or "keep your eyes peeled." With aurals, words include "I hear you," "fine tune," "sounds good," "tell me," "listen," "hear me out," or "keep your ears open." With kinesthetic individuals, use "I feel," "I sense that," "grasp," "vibrant," "my point is," "makes sense," "out of touch," "hold on," or "get a handle." His uncanny ability to do this creates the 'our soulmate' aspect to hook and manipulate their target.
Strategy #11: Learn the nature of these predators. This technique works equally well on them - know your abuser!! Ask him "How's the weather today?" Be fully aware of your vulnerabilities and how they are being targeted.
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12. Lights, Camera, ACTION
Systematically your abuser has conditioned you to accepting his 'action' commands. He hammers you with rapidfire questions, options, statements, observations. They fly like bullets and you're in the trenches. He wants a response and your compliance and he wants it NOW. To confuse you is his objective. He wants you to agree with him, provide his wants, appease him, become his ally, take up his cause. It begins with small easy normal requests and we develop a conditioned acceptance reflex. Soon you're in the middle of Conversational Chaos. Example: "Hey Babe! Is the coffee ready? Can you gimme $20 I didn't get to the bank, and by the way sugarlips, I'll need the oil changed in the car while you're getting my shirts drycleaned. mmmm you look sexy, did you get my pants pressed? By the way, your dog just messed on the floor, you'll need to clean that up, I don't want you to slip in that ha ha ha!!" Your head's spinning with trying to respond and we end up agreeing to it all. Attempts to disagree or challenge bring out the anger, so things get done at his command. This not-so-subtle insidious manipulation is meant to confuse, obscure, gain control and compliance. Failure to comply and his wrath is imminent. When we do notice and recognized this abusive manipulation and 'start to stop it', you can expect some retaliation. This tactic is a favourite technique with abusers.
Strategy #12 Say "No", "No, It's your turn" "You can do that yourself" or, exchange a favour and get something you want. "If you do.... then I'll...." Make sure his part is to be done first. Have your wish-list up to date. Don't get trapped by the multiple command/confusion he's created. Say: "Sorry precious, I didn't hear you. What did you say sweetie?" The verbal finger-poking tactic of repeatedly using our name is often used by these abusers.
Workplace Bully These bullies make a beeline for the vulnerable or the strong. You could be next on his 'hit' list!! The majority of bullies will retract when a group of people blow the whistle on them.
Stage Setting With an audience, the abuser is always in top form. They love to trap us in a social setting where questioning them is inappropriate, or alone in a car and use the 'captive audience'. Abusers are notorious for involving others in their schemes. These 'others' don't know they're being used in the manipulation. It gives the perfect appearance of support they need. Tip:It works for us too!
Gaslighting: "You're just imagining things.", "I/you didn't say that." "You're confused." Strategy: Trust your own perceptions and gut instinct. He's hiding something and deliberately misleading you.
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13. The Backpeddler
When challenged, the verbal abuser will "advance to the rear" and try another approach. You may hear..."That's not what I meant" or "You misunderstood" or "I thought that's what you wanted". This will be followed by their endless excuses, blaming, rage or manipulating. Any apology will have you rolling your eyes.
Strategy #13. Say "No". Trying to have a conversation with these jerks is like trying to herd cats and a total waste of our time. This is a good opportunity to keep our mouths shut and watch them try to verbally dig their way out of the hole. Listen carefully - they may tip their hand about their real intentions.
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14. Wearing Us Down.
Hooray! You said No. But does it stop? Manipulators are very good at finding new ways to skin a cat. He has anticipated your answer and is ready with more tactics.
Strategy #14. Be prepared for them to come at you with a different angle, a lesser request, altered circumstances, a sad or pitiful situation they tell you they are in. Watch as he takes careful note of what things you react to.
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15. "Here's what I'm gonna do for you." The hook.
They appear to be a 'good 'ol boy." Freely dispensing their assistance, talents and labour, money, gifts, souvenirs, samples, freebies, edible treats, free tickets or other miscellaneous offerings. Beware!! One of the oldest tricks of the wolf in sheep's clothing. By appearing to be helpful and kind, generous and considerate, the way you accept their offerings is how they sniff around to detect your resistance, your likes and dislikes. It's how they detect your attraction to forbidden fruit, gather data on your needs and wants, judge your finances, your morals and where you relax those morals and involve you in their misdeeds.
Strategy #15 - "Thanks, but no thanks." Just knowing this tactic you can smell out an abuser in the early stages when they are on the hunt.
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16. The Opening Pitch - Their Secret Weapon
"What do you think of..." "I'm wondering if you know..." "Maybe you could tell me..." "I wanted to ask you..." "You might know..." "Would you like..." "I'd like your opinion..." Be watchful for this type of verbal baiting used by the prowling predator. They appear friendly, deferential, non-threatening. They seem to appreciate our willingly-offered help, and we are drawn in by them. He has planned this all along. An abuser will assess and grade any responses. If he finds you targetable, expect to be idealized and cultivated like never before.
Strategy #16. Let others find their own answers and solve their own problems. Be self protective, cautious and suspicious of people's motives. Dire consequences await the naive and trusting who help and please too readily. Watch for someone who matches your voice candence, pitch, elocution and diction styles, your interests, philosophies, goals, or is angered by the same things you are. These are tactics/strategies used by predators. Never offer money. Develop a healthy suspicion of people's motives.
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17. Break out the Violins..
Isn't it amazing how abusers are able to con and hoodwink? They can pour out the tales of woe, claim to be the victim, and others rush in offering our money, labour, talents, to help without even being asked! Or, the NP will paint vague pictures of vast booty of future wealth and flocks of people can't wait to dish out their hard-earned money throwing all normal investing caution and common sense to the wind.
Strategy #17: Don't offer to do things when you haven't been asked and make sure saying 'No' is easy for you to do. Protect yourself financially. Seek credible professional financial advice.
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18. Planting the Seeds of Failure and Blame.
If I were to tell you that we need a plant and, if you plant a seed for us and water it we will have that plant. So, you select a seed. You plant and water it, but still the plant doesn't grow. What is the logical conclusion?
1. You didn't select/water/plant it correctly.
2. You failed to follow instructions. You didn't meet our needs.
3. The failure is yours. The blame is placed on you.
The truth, however is that your abuser has done nothing but prepare a scenario for him to get the praise of success. He has heard you talk about how you love to garden. You're good at it. All blame, cost, work and responsibility is yours. Look at the bolded words above. This is how the NP places the initial request (need), responsibility and blame for events that happen. Things like "we will never be able to/ should never be together" or "this relationship was doomed from the start" are common phrases. He has programmed you to take the responsibility for success or failure. The success praise all go to him. The responsibility for success was put solely on you. The probability of success was 50/50 but the blame 100% yours.
Strategy #18: Pay close attention to the words of the manipulator. If he feels he 'needs' a plant - let him get it himself. Take note of 'us, I, you, they, we" word choice. Take note of innuendo like - if perhaps, should, might, likely, probably, could, may. Give yourself a chance to think about them. Record them, analyze them from different aspects. And, pay close attention to how you react to those words.
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19. "Fetch me the Ruby Slippers"
"I wish I knew how to..." "If only..." "I want..." We feel sorry for him as he shows his inept manner and puzzled words. So we offer our help willingly. But, he's been setting this up deliberately.
You're the one who can fix his problem. He sits back, enjoys his lies and protect himself. He has cultivated you to provide what he will not or cannot do himself. We pity him and willingly offer our talents to help.
Strategy #19. Be alert to feeling sorry for manipulators. Let him fulfill his own needs and solve his own problems. Like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz who orders her winged monkeys to 'fetch me the Ruby Slippers', this manipulator protects himself while letting others do what he cannot or will not do himself.
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The power of your NP is little more than the skilful use of cheap word tricks of con artists. How many of these 19 manipulation tactics does your manipulator use? (The male gender was used. Your abuser could be female)
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