How Crack Broke My Heart
"I'm not cheating on you...I just have been smoking a little crack" He confessed one morning at 4:00 a.m. It was a morning in August of 2000 when my world collapsed. We had been together for over 6 years and had a 4 year old daughter. He had his own business, we lived in a 3 bedroom house and he had 2 vehicles. He owned all his own tools and had money in the bank. How could've I been so stupid? How could've I have lived with someone who had been smoking crack for almost a year and not of known? The changes were gradual. The first sign was in the summer of 1999 when I went on vacation and my car ended up being stolen. He said his friend's girlfriend had stole it and sold it for crack. I believed him. In fall of 1999 through spring of 2000, I started noticing something was different. He started staying out a little later....he use to be home like clockwork, but now he was home less and less. Then he stopped giving me money for bills. He said work was slow and I believed him. He was in the construction business after all. He used to get drunk every night and be in the bed by 8:00, now he was staying up later and later. In summer of 2000, I finally started to open my eyes. First of all, he stopped paying on the bills entirely and the money in the bank quickly became a big credit card debt as I struggled to pay the bills myself. I knew that construction picked up in summer and their had to be a reason why he wasn't giving me any bill money. Then a tool rental bill started coming to the house. When he first started his business, I had put a tool rental in my name and gradually he bought all the tools so he didn't have to rent them anymore. Well, when I asked him why he was renting them again, he said because they were broke. By now the mood swings started. He would get so angry it was actually scary and he started to threaten to kill me. This was a nightly thing. He also threatened to steal our daughter. Little things like Playstation started to disappear. He got home later and later until he finally started staying out all night. The fights about that were terrible. Our daughter started crying when I picked her up from daycare. I was under constant stress wondering what he was doing and wondering how I was going to pay all the bills. I always had perfect credit and now that was threatened. He also started to get calls on his beeper from the sleaziest motels in town and he was spending some nights in these places. I am talking the most violent neighborhoods in our city. Then that day in August came when he admitted it was crack and not another woman. I cried all day and I cried all night. The pieces of the puzzle finally were in place. The tools, all those expensive tools had been pawned. He went out to buy our daughter milk one evening and came home at 2 in the morning....no milk, high on crack. He even took lousy money from her piggy bank. He promised to stop. I promised to be supportive. So for a whole week he came home on time and actually gave me money (for a couple weeks). I was going to help him beat this thing, after all, he was a wonderful man and a wonderful father, wasn't he? Ha! Anyhow, he behaved for about a week and all the crap started again. No money, staying out all night, the violent outbursts. I had to get away so I planned to go out of state to visit my family. Before I went, I got all the tools he was renting and returned them and cancelled the rental account. I helped him get his tools he owned out of the pawn shops. They were in about 7 different pawn shops in the worst part of town. The pawn tickets were various dates in summer. Anyhow, I went on my trip and guess what he did while I was gone? Took all those expensive tools back to the sleazy pawn shops and this time we lost them. When my daughter and I were driving away to get on the plane, he threw beer bottles and other things at the car. Anyhow, I decided for my daughter's sake, I had to leave. I came back and he acted like nothing ever happened. He started to stay out all night again and was losing weight at an alarming rate. One night, he took our daughter to the store and I couldn't stop him. I was so afraid he stole her, but he came home. She was ok. I came home on a Friday night and he threatened to kill me...accusing me of having boyfriends (which I didn't) and he threw a lighted cigarette right at me. I can't put in words the rages he had. When he was home, he kept on threatening to kill me and steal my daughter. I got to the point that I lived in constant stress...I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. In September, he said he had to work on a Saturday (he was really going to find crack). I took my daughter and my cat and filled the car and went to a friend's house. I never went back. At this point, he was getting in my face and I was afraid he would start to physical abuse me if I stayed. Anyhow, I got an apartment close to my job for my daughter and I. He called and called and called and called and called. Dumb me was still in denial even after I left. I would meet him every weekend so he could see our daughter. One time in the mall, he got so loud and threatening, that security had to walk me out and they asked if he had a gun. I still met him because I felt so guilty for taking his daughter away from him. He kept threatening to kill my boyfriend and me. I didn't have a new boyfriend, he thought I did. Anyhow, he kept smoking crack throughout the next year. He could never sit still and he was always rubbing his chin and his hair and he was getting dirtier and thinner. He moved out of the house we lived in to a house out in the country. That didn't last long. Then he moved into a crack motel. That lasted about 4 months. Then he moved into with his parents where he still lives today. I ended up moving into an apartment 4 miles from him because of the cheap rent. This was summer of 2001. He actually was acting decent for 2 months and was giving my daughter money and I was actually letting him come over every day. But then in August, he started acting really arrogant and was getting louder and moodier again. He came over one night and threatened to kill me and grabbed my face. Our daughter was screaming and all the neighbors reported it to the landlord. He wasn't allowed to come back to our apartment. I knew he was smoking crack again. I almost got evicted, but didn't. I stopped doing things with him and stopped meeting him at this point. You would think by now I would learn not to trust him with my child. He got a 2nd shift job as a janitor and was alone at the company and he would call and call and call. Anyhow, I think he was smoking crack on the job. Can't prove it. Anyway, dumb me was letting him take my daughter alone on Sunday afternoons. I thought surely he wouldn't be up to no good on a Sunday afternoon with his daughter. Wrong!!!! He suddenly was getting her all these Christmas presents and expensive clothes. I thought maybe he was changing and buying these things. At first, he had receipts. But then I picked her up one day and she said he was stealing and the police had arrested him. And sure enough, I looked on the internet and he had a court date for theft. I told him he couldn't take her to the mall anymore. In February, 2002 I got a call from Children's Services where I had to pick my child up. He took my daughter to a crack neighborhood and got a DUI and hit another car. This was on a Sunday afternoon. That sure woke me up. He lost his 2nd shift job and was now working as a laborer. He lost his license and ended up ruining both his vehicles. I took him to court to try and get supervised visitations because I now realized I couldn't trust him with our daughter. The judge didn't listen and gave him reasonable visitation. I just leave her if his dad is home now since the crackhead can't get around anymore. Oh yeah, all our appliances such as refrigerator, stove, washer and dryer...which were all less than 4 years old were sold for $50 each for crack. Also, he almost lost one of his vehicles over a 200 title loan. There is probably a lot I left out, but this is how Crack Broke My Heart.
