| Q. I dated a man who is showing 'red flags'. I'm concerned he may be another P. How can I tell him nicely I'm not interested?
A. We suggest "I've started some new projects that will occupy my time for quite a while P. I'll call you when I have more time. Thanks for calling P. Good bye for now." If he asks what the projects are, he's being intrusive, give yourself permission to not answer. Just repeat "Thanks for calling P. Good bye for now." Hang up. If he calls again try saying something like "Any free time is taken up now P" or, "My time is still taken up now P. I'd prefer if you didn't call me". If he calls again say "P, this is becoming annoying P, please don't call me anymore, Good bye P" hang up even if he's still talking. It's useless to engage in a conversation with a manipulator so ignore his words and don't take his bait. Here are some suggested responses. We use an assertive, calm, normal, conversational tone of voice. Ps relate best to binary-type thinking (if/then, yes/no, either/or, in/out, win/lose, for us/against us, on/off) avoid fuzzy thinking 'grey' areas. Expect manipulation, and deal with one issue at a time. Give up all attempts to relate to him on an emotional level.
THE MENU
Responses to Psychopaths and Life's Other Spoiled Brats
Tip: Speak calmly and assertively, not angrily or aggressively. Practice saying them over and over, until you no longer feel uncomfortable saying them.
These words appear much harsher in print than they are when spoken calmly.
"I understand I've done that before, but this time I can't. That's my decision." "I'm sorry you feel that way." "What are your expectations?" "Thanks for your concern, but I'd prefer not to..."
"No" (with no explanations) "That's my decision"
"I don't intend to answer your question. I'd prefer you didn't ask me." or "I understand you feel that way, but I don't intend to debate this P. My answer is "No". "What is it you want?""What is your question?" "What is the reason you called me?" "I need to check things out a bit myself before we discuss this any further P". "Since she isn't here P to give us her side of the story I think it would be best not to talk about this any more." "Actually, I don't agree with you P."
"No I won't be doing that, I've changed my mind."
"You'll be glad to know you can do that for yourself P." "That's a commitment you're responsible for P" "I know you feel differently, but it doesn't change my decision" "Can we count on your co-operation with this P?" "It seems we see things differently"
"Are you willing to stop doing that?" "In what way do you mean that P?"
(adopting a Scottish accent: "You're in a wee bit of a snit today aren't ya") "I [want] [need] you to stop blaming me P". "If I need your opinion, I'll ask for it P" "I don’t want to talk about it." "I’ll get back to you later." (Preferred: "Please call me Tuesday and I'll let you know my decision then") "That's your problem P I am not going to get involved.", "That's not my problem" "Whose problem is it P?" "Whose money is it?" "I wish the things you did were more like the things you say" "That's enough of that P." "What is it you expect from me?" "You'll be glad you don't have to worry about that."
"This is becoming annoying P, what is your question for me?" "I won't discuss this when you use that tone of voice P."
"You'll have to cope with your feelings P". "I'll have to think about that P" "You made the mess, you need to be the one to clean it up."
"I need you to leave"
"Have you thought of the consequences P?" Mirroring Technique: Repeat his words and actions. Repeat/Shout (mirror) his own words right back at him. Mirroring can throw them off their high horse. Expect it to be difficult to avoid saying "I'm sorry, but..." Don't apologize. Recommended Website:
How Verbal Self Defense Works, Suzette Haden Elgin, PhD
http://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm
http://people.howstuffworks.com/framed.htm?parent=vsd.htm&url=http://www.adrr.com/aa/
A questions is asked of Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, How to recognize it and how to respond"
"You suggest I say "Stop judging me!" or "Cut that out!" or "Don't talk to me like that!". These responses sound like Ordering to me. Please explain why I should say "Stop that!" but he should not say, "Don't chop the onions like that!" or "Open that window!"
Patricia Evan's response: "Orders like "Don't chop the onions like that!" or " Open that window!" are abusive because they intrude on our freedom to act as we choose (as long as it does not harm another). Accusing, blaming, judging and criticizing are abusive because they assault our freedom and define our personal reality in an attempt to control us." (From Her website 'ask questions page") Words of advice from a pro regarding Narcissistic PD: "I am a psychiatric nurse and have often worked with this type of client on our admission unit. They are considered to be one of the most difficult to work with. At the base of this is poor self-esteem and an inability to accept consequences. How do we work with this type of client? Focus on the behaviors that are acceptable and not acceptable. Set limits. Family members should agree on what they are and be consistent. Set up consequences and work as a group. It is strongly suggested that we do not ignore the behaviors for two reasons. Firstly, the person learns that there are no consequences for what he says or does. Secondly, this could lead to "acting out" (act of verbal or physical aggression). These behaviors should be totally unacceptable and the family should make that clear. Set limits. Agree upon what is ok and not ok and all members should do the same thing. Example: Asking the person to leave, giving a firm "no" and ending the discussion. When the behaviors are neutral or even pleasant, point out that that time was positive. When they are not, point them out in a non-judgemental fashion and set the limit. The prognosis is poor for this type of personality disorder. Often these people are rejected and alone over time. Of course these are my thoughts and not everyone will agree with me. Hope whatever I added gives some help."
In the end, my years of experience in counseling those who have survived Controller manipulations ultimately terminates against the same realization. The only effective way to deal with a Controller is to avoid him or leave him. Mirroring, restraint and camouflage can help you deal with them, if you must, but life feels infinitely better when they are out of your life -- or you, out of theirs.
"Being firm and learning to say no (without explanation) seems to work.".
The Canadian Journal of Diagnosis, Volume 20, No. 3, 2003
How Can I Help Patients, Dr. C. Gorman, Psychiatrist
We recommend: Stop Walking on Eggshells", Mason & Kreger, and Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook. The Verbally Abusive Relationship Patricia Evans,Additional Reading: http://drirene.com/when_words.htm
"This, to me, is the ultimately heroic trait of ordinary people; they say no to the tyrant and they calmly take the consequences of this resistance." Philip K. Dick
"This above all, to refuse to be a victim." Margaret Atwood We have used the male gender. Your abuser could be female.
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