| Recovery Snapshots 2
"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."
Mother Theresa "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."
Chinese Proverb Know who you're dealing with. Sociopaths even though they have no genuine human feelings that could make them capable of forming good relationships yet when in fear of rejection go absolutely crazy. Think about this, a sociopath is by their very nature living a lie, living on the edge, already 9/10ths mad, living on the borderline of sanity, imagine what would happen to them (and you) if you rejected this madman/madwoman? They go ballistic. Advice on How to End a Relationship with a Sociopath http://www.homepages.ihug.com.au/~arc24/lc47.htmlThe therapist nodded. Then he began to list off all these things that other people had probably said to me:“Oh, he couldn’t be that bad.” “You’re over-reacting.” “You need to be understanding.” “But he seems like such a nice guy. Why would you think him capable of such terrible things?” And so forth. I sat there stunned. “That is what other people are saying to you, isn’t it?” he asked. I told him yes. “The problem is,” he told me, “that you did not have a normal marriage. There is no way you could possibly explain your marriage to a lay person in five minutes.”
Holding the Mirror (The Life of One Narcissistic Enabler) By Miranda Shaw - Chapter “Listen to Your Heart”
http://www.angelfire.com/home/mirandashaw/index.html If the police are called you have the right to remain silent, what you say may be used against you and be (very) calm - or you might be the one that gets arrested. He will do everything possible to make YOU act and look out of control.
If you must stay or can't leave
http://www.geocities.com/misogynon/if_you.htm Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser. Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone. There is a way out!
Effects of Abusive Relationships
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/effects.htm Their drug of choice is putting one over on you.
Emotional Vampiresby ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D
http://psy.rin.ru/eng/article/138-101.html My ex, at least according to him, was physically and emotionally abused by his family of origin. I have witnessed him in every situation in life imaginable to take the role of the VICTIM. In fact, I have never seen anyone play that role so fiercely as him. He receives a great deal of attention and loves the "nurturing" of the rescuer.
The Drama Triangle, Steve Karpman and Patty Fleener MSW
http://www.mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm Relationship addicts cling to the notion of connectedness with someone in order to avoid loneliness or the feeling of being unlovable which they associate with being single. Relationship addicts may hook up with someone they don't even like, much less love, just to be in a relationship. Once in a relationship, these love addicts hold on for dear life even if it means suffering loneliness within the relationship. Sometimes relationship addicts even accept abuse rather than let go.
Addiction to Love – Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody
http://www.drirene.com/hot_and_cold_love_addicts.htm Abusers DO NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS!!! That is perceived by them as giving up control. They generally answer a question with a question in attempt to through the partner off balance and regain control. They will do this repeatedly until you capitulate or until they provoke an argument.
Dr. Irene’s site
http://www.drirene.com/language_analysis.htm“ The abusive narcissist excels in the art of pitting people against each other and provoking jealousies and rivalries. It can be done allusively in the following manner (1) by insinuating doubt “Don’t you find that so and so is such and such?” (2) by revealing what one person says about another “Your brother told me he thought you behaved badly” or (3) by lying to incite people to become adversarial. The greatest pleasure for an abuser lies in the destruction of one individual by another and watching the battle from which both will emerge weakened; This result will ultimately reinforce his omnipotence... Provoking jealousy is also a way for an abuser to stay above it all, above anger and hate. It’s what happens between the partner and his rival. He keeps score and doesn’t “dirty his hands.” By making the other jealous, the abuser who is basically envious brings his victim down to his level, insinuating that “you and I are alike.“ The victim doesn’t dare to directly attack her abuser. She avoids confrontation by becoming jealous and continues to protect the abuser. It’s easier to deal with the third party that the abuser dangles as prey.
Stalking the Soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen Stop being the Victim. Let go completely of the people you know are unhealthy for you, even if it's painful. Take a break from relationships and find yourself. Only then will you be healthy enough to attract non-Abusive people.
“…But he said he loved me”. Taking Responsibility
http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/response.html What if every child were taught that feelings, especially bad ones, are just that--feelings come and go and can be watched and called by their name and released. That uncomfortable feelings can be self soothed by rubbing your body and breathing deeply when upset or hurt. That feelings of anger, disappointment and sadness can be talked about in safe ways with people who help you understand them.
Yes Virginia, There are Functional Families! - by Lynne Namka Ed. D.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/namka4.html "Outright hostility later replaces latent ill-will or malevolence if the victim reacts and tries to rebel. This is the phase of emotional abuse that has been called 'psychoterror.' At this stage, any means or methods will be used, sometimes including physical violence, to destroy the designated victim. This can lead to psychical annihilation or suicide. The attacker has now lost sight of any potential benefits to the company and focuses only on his victim's downfall." Stalking the Soul - Marie-France Hirigoyen http://www.webheights.net/GrowingbeyondEmotionalAbuse/hirigoyen/sts.htm As a child, I used to be dazed by my narcissistic parent's public demeanor -- I wanted to take that person home with me or else live our entire family life in the protection of the public eye -- so attractive, modest, and sweet that even I could hardly believe that this same person could be the raging fiend I knew at home and had seriously thought, for a while when I was about ten, might be a werewolf.
Aftermath – Joanna Ashmun
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/aftermath.html Suppose somebody has come at you with an attack like "WHY can't I ever FIND anything around this place? Do you HIDE STUFF just to be annoying, or WHAT?" Don't take the bait. Don't start claiming you don't hide things; don't start explaining your system for putting things in their places; don't start yelling that the attacker is the one who misplaces everything or is just too stupid to be able to find anything; don't just yell, "Get out of my FACE, you creep!" All those responses reward the attacker and make you a participating verbal victim. Instead, say something like this:
"People get irritated when they can't find things."
"It's very annoying not to be able to find things."
"Misplaced tools [or books, or supplies, or whatever] cause problems in every workplace [or home, or clinic, or whatever]."
"Nothing is more distressing than having to hunt for things." Suppose a two-year-old runs at you screaming "YOU BIG MEANY! I don't LIKE you!" and starts pounding on your knees with tiny fists. Your amygdala doesn't pay the slightest attention. You know the toddler is no threat to you, you understand what causes such episodes, and you have better sense than to get involved in a fight with the poor little kid. The key here is that you understand what's going on, and that lets you stay detached and rational.
How Verbal Self Defense Works, Suzette Haden Elgin, PhD
http://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm I use the analogy that you can’t bounce a ball off sand. The more they try to get your attention by bouncing the ball, if you’re sand, they have to keep bending over to pick up the ball. They basically run out of energy. Then they move over to the pavement (which is somebody else) and start bouncing the ball off of them. The more you don’t have any contact and become the sandbox, the better. You have to have some contact regarding your child’s welfare and medical issues etc. But it’s important to be as brief as possible, One or two sentences at most, preferably by email.
SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist
by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml
When a person is asked "Why did you allow it?," the person asking that is missing many points. Among them, it is putting the blame on the target of the abuser, rather than where it belongs, on the abuser.
Verbal and Emotional Abuse Author: Julie Clark Whether they're born or made; whether they're classified just right in the DSM or not; whether they're 'mentally ill' or 'emotionally ill;' whether they're severe NPD, 'narcissistic type' or "only" have 'narcissistic tendencies,' doesn't matter here. Leave all that to the university guys. Study it yourself after you're out and away and he's leaving you alone. The abuse hurts you deep and hard no matter what labels and qualifiers are slapped on the narcissist. Try all the maneuvers you want, but if he's close to you, if you're in contact with him, he'll hurt you.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri
"As examples you may be harmfully saying yes because:
1. You feel NO might seem unfriendly.
2. It relieves nervous indecision.
3. You fear a domineering person.
4. It avoids your anxious explanations.
5. You have always said yes.
6. Someone promised you a reward.
7. It makes you seem kindly.
8. You want to be accepted.
9. Everyone else is saying yes.
10. You want to avoid unpleasant reactions."
Your Power to Say No by Vernon Howard
http://www.whitesoftheirlies.com/site/wotl/articles/no.htm | 
