THE BALLARD OF BERTS BOOTS.
Bert higgins was from Manchester,too merchant was his trade,
He was full rich but miserly,he hid the gold he made.
He tried to fool his customers by wearing footware poor.
But folks all knew his true intent and thought him quite the bore.
One day Bert made a goodly sum and so he thought to treat
Himself to hot and steamy bath and massage of his feet.
He left his tired boots outside while languishing in heat.
Then later when he had rerobed he went out to the street.
But his old boots he could not find instead he found fine shoes,
And so without a second mind he said " well whats to lose"
He donned fine footwear then walked out not mindfull at the time,
But what he had to yet find out was he`d commited crime.
The man who`s brogans he now wore, he was a vengfull judge,
And when he found old Berts bent boots he got a mighty grudge.
He recognized those foulsome things, their odor did assale,
And so he set a warrant out too haul our Bert to jail.
The magistrat fined Bert 5 Bob and treated him with scorn,
And after Bert got back his boots he realy felt forlorn,
As neighbors called him nasty names and gave him evil eye.
And children threw distgusting things whenever he passed by.
Bert gave a shout of anger as his boots he made to toss
Into the river near his house he would not miss their loss.
But they wernt in the river long with fishermen about
Who dredged them up within their nets that were once fine and stout.
But Berts braw boots had hobnails sharp that riped those nets in half,
And when those fishermen found out not one of them could laugh.
They recognized the foulsome things and threw them back at Bert,
Where they destroyed fine crockery and ruined rugs with dirt.
At this our Bert decided that these boots had cost him sore.
And so he sought to bury them down by the ocean shore.
But someone saw him burying and thought he dug up gold.
They ran up to the magistrate and tattle tales they told.
The magistrate with eyes of hate would not beleve the truth
About these cursed unholy boots he said"For shame for sooth"
Because you tell such loathsome lies I`ll make you tow the line
I will hit you in your pocket you will pay a double fine"
To rid himself of cursed footwear for Bert it is now plain,
And so he journeyed to elsewhere and threw them down a drain.
But after only 1 short day those boots cloged up the pipe,
And very soon the judges room is smelling rather ripe.
A volenteer was thrown below, the problem for to mend,
And when he found those turgid boots, for higgins quick they send
"You`v fouled the public waterways and you must pay full well"
Said magistrate to our poor Bert"All your treasures you will sell"
"Pay your fine and remove from sight so never more I`ll see
Those boots again or I will light a fire under thee"
Now thats a good idea thought Bert,I`ll set them all aflame
And when the heat has all died down my name I will reclaim.
But those bad boots were way to wet, and so to let them dry
Bert placed them in a pool of sun; untill a dog passed by.
And chewed up one of Berts rank boots untill he let it drop
From of the hill where it did fall untill it came to stop
It fell on head of a newly wed and caused her to abort.
Her husband recognized the boot and so he sued in court
Poor Bert Higgins for dreadfull sin from which he canot hide.
And so before the day is done,poor Burts been found and tried.
Poor Bert is now inpoverished, he doesnt own a thing
Except of course those Evil boots(and around his groin .a string)
He slept that night outside town walls, with bracken for his bed.
But sometime in the night.
For boots !!
A begger struck him dead !!!!!
O`Learys pig
O`Leary at his work one day was mucking out the pig.
When down the road his Majesty strode a royle English prig
King George had spied with jaundiced eye to notice some thing queer.
"I say"He cried"Come here good man" so Paddy ambled near.
"Iv travled many days" said King "A hundred miles or more
But never such an odd and strangly thing I never saw before"
His Majesty whined with a nasel sound "Oh tell me please I beg
Whats wrong with yon poor porcine there, it has a wooden leg"
"Ooo arr dats right "quoth Paddy bright"Its story I`ll repeat
While I was of at market town my wife fell in a Pitt
But Porky here(dat tiz his name)He heard me Mary shout
He climbed out of his wooden sty and pulled me misses out.
"Iv travled many miles "said King "To north south west & east,
But never have I heard before of such a clever beast,
Come tell me true.Please do not tease, Oh tell me now I beg.
How come that that proud porcine there, it has a wooden leg
"Begoraahs Sor, yes you are fair to scold me, as you should
But!! Last year my wife was set upon by bandits in the wood
But this brave boarson heard her plight and boldly broke he out.
And beat foul Foxes in a fight,he put those rouges to route.
Then he escourted her to town, both up the hill and down,
He marched besides her back to farm and guarded all her crowns."
"Iv travled many miles "said King"But never heard before
A yarn so full of wonderment about such brave bold boar,
But tell me do or I`ll have you thrown into the brig
How come that you afixed with screw a wooden leg on pig.
"Ohh yes M`Lord I hears your word, forgive my story long
But in the cold of winters bond my son fell in a pond.
But Porky pig with courage big ran down to the river
and laid upon the frozen ice to rescue him with ladder.
He pulled him out with use of snout then kept him safe and warm,
Untill physician came on by to cure him of his harm."
"Iv travled many days "said King"Great miricals Iv seen
But if what you tell me is true then Gaia turn me green.
Now tell me quick or with my stick Ill beat you till you beg.
How come that that proud porcine there it has a wooden leg.
"Foorsooth in truth" O`Leary said"Sire I am no lier
Why just last month the lightning came and set my croft afire.
And it were middle of the night, by chance we should be dead,
But this brave boar he broke down door & draged us from our beds.
He gave us all the kiss of life by res-us-it-ation.
And then he done a wonder`s thing ,he called the fire station
"Iv travled many miles :said King"From hill to plain and dale
But never have encountered so miraculas a tale.
Now one last chance before you dance a hangmans merry jig
Reveal to me why it is thee have wooden leg on pig"
"Ooohh Arr you do mistake me lord, but I am not no dunce
We loves our Porky pig too much,
Twa Romans.
A pair of Romans once stood guard 2000 years ago
Upon the borders of Scotland, where winds would sleet and snow
One was a proud old veteran the other a raw recruit.
Their jobs to stay the Celtic hoards that came to slay and loot.
The elder one was having fun relating to his mate,
The evilness of kilted celts so full of spite and hate.
He told tall tales describing vile and heathen pagan ways,
He said the Celts were the worst of worst he`d seen in all his days
The younger one was awfull glum, his prospects seemed so poor
He feared to face fearce Scots,and he`d sooner go to war.
So when his comrade pointed out with a sundial on his wrist,
That very soon the pubs would close his guts got in a twist.
Before to long they heard a song a catterwail most foul.
As down the road came a gang of scots who screamed cursed and howled.
They bit and fought ,fair play for nought as fur and teeth did fly.
They sounded like a hundred huns, to see could make men cry.
They stormed up to the guard tower, their vissage was full bale.
They crowded close with mad glower.Some chewed on iron nails.
"Prissy Bastard, get oot me way or I will knock youz doon.
For we hate fucking Romans and we are your cursed doom."
They realy looked psycotic, with bulging brows and glare,
The guards could see hugh hairy knees below the kilts that flaird.
The smell was something horrible that caused a sweat to swell.
It wasnt hard to wish that they were somewhere deep in hell.
Big fat flys flew round their heads their cloths were made of holes.
With muddy size 12 boots on feet they sure resembled trolls.
They howled and spat(two ate the cat).Then to old guard one said
"If yourz still here tomorrow lad your`l wish that youz waz dead"
The younger guard quaked under shield, but the veteran strode forth.
To bar the passage of these fiends who travle to the north.
"Whats to declare" The old guard quoth his voice quite firm and strong,
And quit that glare or I will bare my sword and do you wrong"
They steped up near with an evil lear but veteran stood firm
He looked at them down the length of his nose as though they were but worms.
"Now move along you mongral throng move on and get you home
Or I`ll arrest you, then you will know the power that is Rome
The Scots departed very wild with curses jibes and threats.
As younger guard rose from under shield with britches dripping wet.
"My GoD" He said with a voice of dread"I canot beleve that you
Would treat those Thugs with such contempt, this day I know I`ll rue.
"Whats that" the veteran said ,suprised.!!
"Why do you say such words
That you`d be fearfull of those folks ,now that is most absured.
Those folks were realy quite polite and did not me offend,
Those girls were bonny lasses all,
But now here come the MEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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